Name that Animal.
Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.
Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.
Three Nuns
Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?"
The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours."
So the nuns left thinking, "What can we do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the mother one at a time.
The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike."
The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did this she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.
The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"
The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!"
The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."
The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"
The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"
Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?"
The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours."
So the nuns left thinking, "What can we do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the mother one at a time.
The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike."
The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did this she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.
The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"
The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!"
The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."
The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"
The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"
LITTLE APRIL
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher tried to catch little April out to see
if she was paying attention in class.
She called on her while she was napping,
"Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the
chair behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very
good," and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April,
"Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir
from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very
good," And April fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did
Eve say to Adam after she had their twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pen.
This time April jumped up and shouted.
"IF YOU STICK THAT F###ING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME,
I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR A*#SE!"
The Teacher fainted.
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher tried to catch little April out to see
if she was paying attention in class.
She called on her while she was napping,
"Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the
chair behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very
good," and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April,
"Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir
from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very
good," And April fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did
Eve say to Adam after she had their twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pen.
This time April jumped up and shouted.
"IF YOU STICK THAT F###ING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME,
I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR A*#SE!"
The Teacher fainted.
Poor Guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck."
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.
"Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds:
He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
"Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
.....
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck."
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.
"Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds:
He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
"Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
.....
Nursing home hooligan
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched "STOP"be shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
Ök" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, Pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, Ma"am".
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her.
Stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand
ÖH GOD,"Ethel said.
"Not the breathalizer again!"
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched "STOP"be shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
Ök" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, Pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, Ma"am".
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her.
Stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand
ÖH GOD,"Ethel said.
"Not the breathalizer again!"
LAST DAY ON THE JOB
It was the postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a big breakfast of eggs, bacon,sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly full she poured him a cup of tea.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar coin sitting on the saucer.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you."
He said, "F#*k him, give him a dollar."
She said, "The breakfast was my idea."
It was the postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a big breakfast of eggs, bacon,sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly full she poured him a cup of tea.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar coin sitting on the saucer.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you."
He said, "F#*k him, give him a dollar."
She said, "The breakfast was my idea."
they are all goodies 
One for the Girls 
Control
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered.
He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.
Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her,
"I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00.......on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.
She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully, said...
. . . . . . "Clean my house"
Control
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered.
He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.
Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her,
"I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00.......on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.
She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully, said...
. . . . . . "Clean my house"
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question,
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you.
If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone,
the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone,
which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger,
but I like the way you're thinking."
Who's This Guy
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation." 
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
Standing At The Gates Of Heaven
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.
So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding.
Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground. By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge pushed it out and threw it over the edge of the balcony where it landed on him, killing him instantly.
But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.
I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands.
Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right.
Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
Love Thy Husband 
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, he doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him."
"Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs."
"Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die,"
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, he doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him."
"Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs."
"Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die,"
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
The Coma
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.
They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.
They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.
always love reding your jokes keep up the good work
always love reding your jokes keep up the good work
